Loss, Grief, and a Measure of Hope

by Dick Buckingham, Administrator

and brother to Dan



Dan and Mr. B on Dan's wedding day

Since the last time I added to this space my oldest brother, Dan, was called home to be with the Lord suddenly and very unexpectedly.    While the days have been long and difficult, I have found God’s grace to be more than sufficient in this time.

While not an experience we consider common, death is the natural consequence of life, and it is an experience every family will face.  Sometimes you find yourself dealing with it when your kids are still young and under your watchful care.  How does a parent handle this kind of thing with their children?

Allow me to share a few thoughts, not only from my own recent experience, but also the observations I have made of families dealing with the loss of a loved one over the years.

It is OK to grieve.  We are all familiar with the shortest verse in the Bible, “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35)  This verse comes at the graveside of Jesus’ friend Lazarus, just prior to the Savior raising him from the dead.  Many have speculated as to why this emotion of Jesus was expressed.  Certainly the Life-Giver had already determined to raise Lazarus up.  Was His sadness due to the lack of belief on the part of Mary or Martha or the others present?  The scriptures are silent on the reason and just leave us with the simple statement that Jesus wept.  Jesus grieved.  He understands our emotions as He is fully like us.  

The point I would like to make from this is that it is OK to grieve.  It is OK for men to grieve.  It is OK to grieve in the presence of others.  Sometimes we feel we have to be strong for our children or others and so we do everything we can to control our grief when with them or in public and save our times of mourning to when we are alone.  Your children will likely be feeling some measure of emotional pain at the loss and they really don’t know what to do about it.  Seeing you express your grief through crying will give them the courage to express their own pain in the same way.  This is healthy and will help them to move closer to healing.

 Everyone grieves differently.  Just from my own experience with my brother this was very evident.  My dad was the rock that he has always been.  Silent, strong, wiping a tear here and there, sharing something positive or changing the subject to divert his and everyone else’s suffering.  My mom, a strongly emotional woman, buoyed by God’s grace was able to be an initial encouragement to all the family members reminding them of God’s mercy in the situation.  Her grief later was deeper, more profound, more personal.  Me? Sobbing uncontrollably almost constant in the first few hours, then unpredictably, yet less frequent, as the days wore on.  The point is, there is no one right or any wrong ways to grieve and we need to accept that about each other.  The important thing is that each one grieves.  Grieving is natural and expected.  And healing.

How do you break the news to your children when they may be too young to fully understand?  This is such a tough question and so hard to give adequate answer.  We want our little ones to maintain a measure of innocence.  We want to protect them from any kind of pain, even emotional pain.  And yet we can’t just tell them grandma went on a really, really long vacation.  I personally don’t think it is ever right to lie to your children (a topic for another blog).  But I understand the desire to want to soften the hard blow that must be dealt our children in the area of death.  My best counsel would be, no matter what words you say, be sure to have them hear and help them to understand that death is normal, it is not the end, and that there is great hope for those who trust in Jesus.  In the account of Lazarus, his sister Martha tells Jesus that she knows her brother will rise again in the last day.  Jesus responds to her, “I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in me will live, even though he dies” (John 11:25).  This is both a profound and comforting statement.  Encourage your child that those who love and follow Jesus will live with Him in a wonderful place of peace, far away from this world of pain and suffering. 

My brother Dan loved the Lord and was brought to this place with Jesus sooner than any of us expected.  But now that he is there, we would not wish him to return to this life of suffering and hardship and pain.  He is in the best place imaginable and we have hope and confidence that we will join him thanks to the grace of God.